The reason I have abandoned ship.,
I have an assumed identity here,
I thought this would free me, finally find solace, a confession place,
A place where I could air out the things I can't - am afraid - to tell, not just to my partner, but even to myself.
But even here, I found myself afraid to put it out there - that which truly goes on in my life..
Even here, I find I am afraid of being judged for my choices (by whom?).
I was pregnant with what would have been our third child and I chose to have an abortion. (I said it)
I have only two followers, I don't think they would have noticed my absence as they are established busy bloggers who have added me to a long list of followers..
So basically I don't have readers.Still, I could not bring myself to talk.
Not being able to talk about the craziness in my mind made blogging unappealing.
How come even here and under an assumed identity I can not feel free to talk about what I really am going through?
Is it really about being brave?
Or maybe some things are not meant to be "out there" ?
It was a clear choice not to have this baby, the circumstances of my life simply do not permit it.
And yet, being pregnant once again, I found myself going through a whirlpool of emotions I never expected.
Of course, it all hormones as we women are always told.
But whatever we may call it - I was the one going through it and it felt real enough to make me want to jump out the window at times.
Now, almost 3 month later. It is still not over.
My body,
My state of mind
seems altered inexplicably.
I can not covey one ounce of it to anyone around me.
How difficult it is for people - even the ones closest to me - to phantom even a little bit of an experience they are not going through at the very moment.
This is a fact that never ceases to amaze me. But I know it to be true.
I have a friend who has lost her young husband to cancer, and as much as I try to imagine what she must ly, obviously be going through, I know I can not know the half of it.
I know that as much as I want and I try to be in the shoes of those around me whom I love and would love to offer help, even all the best I can do, I will still stand secure and removed from their pain, simply because it is not mine to experience (thankfully).
I was not going to even try to convey the myriad of emotions I was going through, to any of the busy mothers I know and consider friends.
I did not want to dwell on any of these emotions with my beloved partner, who was going through the motions of this decision himself. And living with an emotional lioness I have become while this is going on.
So what's the big deal?
I got pregnant -
I had an abortion.
Get over it for hell's sake will you?
I'm trying.
And there, I said it,
maybe I can get back to blogging after all
maybe it is worth it to find my voice,
It scares me - what I might find here
But maybe it is something I need to do
Because I am longing to write,
My fingers tickle as I read other people's blogs
And maybe fighting it is what's doing me more harm than good.
Maybe.
