The reason I have abandoned ship.,
I have an assumed identity here,
I thought this would free me, finally find solace, a confession place,
A place where I could air out the things I can't - am afraid - to tell, not just to my partner, but even to myself.
But even here, I found myself afraid to put it out there - that which truly goes on in my life..
Even here, I find I am afraid of being judged for my choices (by whom?).
I was pregnant with what would have been our third child and I chose to have an abortion. (I said it)
I have only two followers, I don't think they would have noticed my absence as they are established busy bloggers who have added me to a long list of followers..
So basically I don't have readers.Still, I could not bring myself to talk.
Not being able to talk about the craziness in my mind made blogging unappealing.
How come even here and under an assumed identity I can not feel free to talk about what I really am going through?
Is it really about being brave?
Or maybe some things are not meant to be "out there" ?
It was a clear choice not to have this baby, the circumstances of my life simply do not permit it.
And yet, being pregnant once again, I found myself going through a whirlpool of emotions I never expected.
Of course, it all hormones as we women are always told.
But whatever we may call it - I was the one going through it and it felt real enough to make me want to jump out the window at times.
Now, almost 3 month later. It is still not over.
My body,
My state of mind
seems altered inexplicably.
I can not covey one ounce of it to anyone around me.
How difficult it is for people - even the ones closest to me - to phantom even a little bit of an experience they are not going through at the very moment.
This is a fact that never ceases to amaze me. But I know it to be true.
I have a friend who has lost her young husband to cancer, and as much as I try to imagine what she must ly, obviously be going through, I know I can not know the half of it.
I know that as much as I want and I try to be in the shoes of those around me whom I love and would love to offer help, even all the best I can do, I will still stand secure and removed from their pain, simply because it is not mine to experience (thankfully).
I was not going to even try to convey the myriad of emotions I was going through, to any of the busy mothers I know and consider friends.
I did not want to dwell on any of these emotions with my beloved partner, who was going through the motions of this decision himself. And living with an emotional lioness I have become while this is going on.
So what's the big deal?
I got pregnant -
I had an abortion.
Get over it for hell's sake will you?
I'm trying.
And there, I said it,
maybe I can get back to blogging after all
maybe it is worth it to find my voice,
It scares me - what I might find here
But maybe it is something I need to do
Because I am longing to write,
My fingers tickle as I read other people's blogs
And maybe fighting it is what's doing me more harm than good.
Maybe.
So brave. Sharing even a shred of what is real for us with the unknown people in the blogosphere is so brave. It's very true that none of can truly comprehend all that anyone else is feeling. Given that, I'm sorry for your loss. Making the best choice for yourself and your loved ones doesn't change that there is a loss of a possibility. Having lost my teenage son I comprehend that more than many might. Just as a major wound leaves a scar, you are changed by your experience...probably both for the better and for the worse all at the same time. Sending virtual hugs. Be kind to yourself. XOXO Elle
ReplyDeleteThank you Elle.
ReplyDeleteWho is the voice that stops you from writing? What is it inside of you?
ReplyDelete"So what's the big deal?"
"Get over it for hell's sake will you?"
Whose voice is that? Who does it sound like? What do you fear?
As an anonymous blogger, too, I totally feel where you're coming from. Although you seem troubled about sharing your thoughts 'out there', it seems like even 'in you', you're finding that freedom hard.
You could say you only have two readers, who aren't even listening; but you're struggling to even listen to yourself; to let yourself figure it all out.
I hope you get back to writing. Feel privileged you have two followers. That's two people who now, or at some point, gave a shit. Two people who liked something about who you are or what you have to say. That's wonderful! Some people would kill for that!
I hope you can get back to writing soon. I hope you can fight through the inner critic that says "no-one's here, no-one cares, you've got nothing to say, it's no big deal..." I look forward to that day, soon.
I've been an anonymous blogger, myself. It's not enough to be freed from your name, but freed from your own expectations.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise you bring your old self along.
Sharing is hard. I know. Try it out, some more, and see what happens.
I have been so busy, I don't just follow anyone I follow blogs that I like, I am so sorry that i have not been here for ages, and have just read this post... blog when you feel like it.. never say never again I sometimes go through what you are going through and as a non anonymous blogger I find it sometimes difficult to say what I would love to... so I changed my blog a little I only write what I am comfortable with I loved your recipes and the way you think. Try not to feel guilty about the abortion, it is better than an unwanted child ...there are more people out there than you who have had to make that decision ..sending love
ReplyDeleteLove Ruth xx